The Adventures of Nurgle and Larkin
by ABrandNewNorthstar
Summary: PLEASE R&R FruitsBasket/Bleach/DeathNote. Nurgle and Larkin are two young, kinda ditzy female superheroes. Follow them on their crazy adventure to destroy Hellblazer and his evil henchmen, along with the help of some very powerful shinigami and Sohma Kyo.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One: Casey Smells Like Gordon's Butt

We first met the heroes of the story in a tiny little shithole apartment in South Williamsport. Nurgle was leaning over Larkin's bathtub with her head under the faucet.

"Lark-in!" Nurgle screamed, flailing her arms in the air. "Lark-in! LARKIN!"

"WHAT?!" Larkin screamed back. She was standing right beside Nurgle.

Nurgle stood up, smacking her head off the faucet in the process. "I don't think I want my hair to be blue anymore. I'm thinking more...yellow!"

Larkin stared blankly at her. "But you just put the dye in. It's too late."

Nurgle stomped her foot. "But I don't wanna! I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna!" She stomped several more times, then spun around and stormed into the living room, dripping a trail of blue hair dye behind her.

"You're making a mess!" Larkin shouted. "You're gonna have to pay for that!"

Nurgle shrugged and with a flick of her pointer finger sent a flame straight for the floor. Then she grabbed Larkin around the waist and flew upward, crashing through the roof and up into the sky. Larkin glanced down as Nurgle flew higher, watching her apartment burn. "Well, that takes care of that," she said.

"Exactly," agreed Nurgle.

Nurgle was still flying around aimlessly three hours later, her friend tucked safely under her arm, when she finally asked, "So where are you gonna live now, Larkin?"

Larkin stopped chewing on her hair and peered up at Nurgle. "It's your fault my home is gone. You should find me somewhere to live."

"You could live with me!" she suggested eagerly.

"You live in a doghouse in some old man's backyard. I don't think there's room for me."

Nurgle thought hard. After reaching up and flicking on the lightbulb above her head, she exclaimed, "I know! Let's buy a mansion! With all the money that we have and were saving up to buy every single ticket to the Jonas Brothers' next concert so nobody could go but us! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Larkin threw up her arms in excitement and smacked Nurgle in the face, causing Nurgle to drop her. The blue-haired supergirl in the red leather bodysuit swooped down elegantly and saved her friend from a terrible death-by-garbage-dumpster, then Larkin shouted, "That's a great idea! Who wants to go see a stupid manufactured brother band anyway?"

And with that, they immediately purchased a fifteen-story silo on a farm near the edge of town and believed it to be the most lavish mansion in Williamsport.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: A Sheet, A Washrag, and A Sock

"Come out, come out, wherever you are!" Nurgle shouted a few weeks later as she flew around her gorgeous new home, searching for Larkin. "It's been four days, Larkin! If you've been cheating again, I'm gonna fry your ass!" At that moment, the tune to the Spice Girls' "Wannabe" started playing in Nurgle's pocket. She pulled out her cell phone and put it to her ear.

"Hello?...Oh, hi Mom...I'm sorry I haven't been over, but I've been busy the past few days...Larkin's been using her invisibility powers to cheat at hide-and-seek again...no, Mom, it wasn't me...I told you, I grew out of that phase! I don't chew holes in people's underwear anymore...well, maybe it was your weirdo neighbour...I have to go, Mom. I have to find Larkin. I'll call you later." She ended the call and slipped the phone back in her pocket.

Two days later, Nurgle finally found Larkin asleep on the roof. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU FREAK?" she screamed in her ear.

Larkin jumped to her feet and lost her balance, tumbling off the roof and into a bale of hay in the yard. When Nurgle landed gracefully in front of her, Larkin scowled. "Why did you get the cool flying power? I'm the one who can't stand on her own two feet. I need it more than you. I need it to save myself."

"Well," said Nurgle, "maybe the writer doesn't like you as much." The girls were silent for a few minutes. Then Nurgle asked, "What were you doing on the roof?"

"Watching Kyo..." Larkin answered dreamily, her eyes beginning to look lost.

"Who's Kyo?" Nurgle wondered as she tried to help Larkin's eyes find their way home.

"The boy who lives across the street. If you sit on the roof, you can see right into his kitchen. So I was watching him get undressed and take showers and stuff."

Nurgle scratched her head. "Why does he take showers in his kitchen?"

Larkin pondered that. "I'm...not sure. Wanna go ask him?"

"Sure, why not?"

Larkin lead the way as the two trudged through the hay and horse poop to the house across the street. As soon as the door swung open, Larkin turned herself invisible.

The man in the doorway stared at Nurgle. "Can I help you?"

"Quit being a wimp," Nurgle said. "Show yourself!"

"Pardon?"

"My friend here is being dumb. We came over here to talk to Kyo, but now she's gonna chicken out. I tell ya."

The man looked around, then glanced at Nurgle like she was crazy. "People with imaginary friends are stupid," he stated and slammed the door.

"ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK DUMB?!"

Larkin reappared at Nurgle's side. "It doesn't matter if I was or not. You are dumb. At least I don't have an imaginary friend!" She spun on her heel and began to walk away, leaving Nurgle fuming.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three: If You're Still Reading This Story, There's Something Wrong With You

It took a month for Larkin to finally talk to Kyo. She was out riding her tricycle through the neighborhood when she accidentally ran over the tail of a very orange cat.

"I'M SO SORRY KITTY!" She reached for the cat, but then remembered she was deathly afraid of them and took off screaming for her house.

Five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. When she answered it, Kyo was standing there naked. "Put some clothes on!" she shouted and threw her hand over her eyes, peeking through her fingers.

Kyo was taken aback. "I have clothes on!"

Larkin lowered her hand. "Whoops, sorry. My x-ray vision sometimes goes on the fritz when I'm in the presence of an attractive male."

Kyo began to back up slowly. "NO, don't go away!" Larkin yelled. "Come in, Kyo. I've been wanting to talk to you."

Kyo cautiously entered the silo and was immediately revolted. There was silly string and cheese whiz over everything and the entire place smelled of cabbage. He held his nose as he looked for a decent place to sit -- there wasn't any -- then screamed when Larkin suddenly jumped on his back.

"Kyo! I'm so glad you came over! I really love you, Kyo. I've been watching you through your kitchen window, like, every single day since we've moved here. I know that you live with two other boys and a girl. I'm gonna kill that girl, by the way. I've seen the way she tries to wiggle her way into your arms all the time, and acts all innocent and ditzy-like. I'll get her, Kyo, don't you worry. Then we can be together forever!" She squeezed her arms around his neck tighter and tighter until his face turned beet red. Kyo jumped and jerked his body until finally Larkin went flying across the room.

"You're crazy! I'm leaving."

"WAIT! Can't you just tell me what you came over for?"

Kyo sighed. "Okay, but then I'm leaving and I'm never coming over here again."

"Okay. We can just hang out at your house. What a good idea, Kyo!"

"I came over here to ask you to apologize for running over my tail with your bike."

Larkin laughed at him. "No I didn't. I ran over a kitty's tail. Silly Kyo."

"I'M that...'kitty.' You see, I'm cursed. When I'm hugged by the opposite sex or I get weak or sick, I transform into a cat. Watch." He lunged for her and threw his arms around her. She looked up at him crazily as the lights in the room dimmed and were replaced by a disco ball. Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" started playing out of nowhere.

"Nothing...happened. But since you're here, Sugar, let's dance!" Larkin began twirling Kyo around, grinding against his hips, and occasionally jiving.

"It's a slow song! You can't dance like that!" Kyo yelled.

"I can if I want to! Get your boogie on, Baby!"

"LARKIN! I'M HOME!" Nurgle screamed as she walked in and slammed the door behind her. "Ooh! Sappy music!" She immediately dropped her purse and started doing the Macarena.

Kyo attempted to sneak out of the house, but Nurgle grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him into a hug. She was surprised to see him turn into a cat with a POOF!

"AAAGH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT'S A CAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!" Larkin screamed and ran up the stairs to her bedroom.

Nurgle stooped to her knees and picked Kyo the cat up. She held him out in front of her face. "Um, can you explain this to me, 'cause I'm a little freaked out?"

"Oooookay, look--"

"AAAGH! A TALKING CAT! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" She dropped Kyo and stomped on his tail as she ran out the door.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four: Sleepover! ...And Some Really Bad News

After Kyo turned back into a boy and explained to the girls about the Sohma curse (certain members of the Sohma family are possessed by a vengeful spirit of the Chinese Zodiac and turn into their animal when hugged by the opposite gender or they grow weak, yada yada), he decided that they weren't all that bad and he actually really enjoyed their company. So Nurgle and Larkin held a slumber party in his honour. They invited his three housemates -- Shigure, Yuki, and Tohru; his cousin Hatsuharu; Yagami Light; Kurosaki Ichigo -- who demanded he be allowed to bring all his cool Death God buddies -- Steve Willits, L, and Carlos Mencia. Light wasn't there for an hour when everyone voted that he should go, but not before he and Nurgle exchanged numbers. The guests were freaked out by the fact that he could write them into his Death Note at any moment, and everyone knew his creepy invisible shinigami was hovering somewhere, watching them all. Ichigo offered to kick his ass, but that would only provoke Light and the girls would rather there weren't any casualties by morning.

L and Steve Willits were instantly terrified of each other, each accusing the other of stealing his identity. After they'd downed several bottles of sake, however, they came to the conclusion that they were actually long lost twins, separated at birth by the Witch of the Waste who'd adopted Steve and put him to work at Hot Topic to steal all of the pretty girls' hearts.

Ichigo and Rukia spent most of the night making out on the sofa while Abarai Renji and Inoue Orihime watched from a dark corner, bawling about infidelity and Treasure Trolls. Shigure holed himself up in Nurgle's bedroom claiming he needed to have a novel finished by midnight, when he was actually going through her underwear drawer and scheming ways to sneak a peek at all the girls' breasts without being noticed. Kyo and Yuki were at each other's throats constantly while Tohru tried relentlessly to stop them, a fact that Larkin did not like. "She's only trying to get to Kyo, that little slut," she said to Nurgle several times. The two then proceeded to stuff Tohru's pillowcase with horse poop from the yard.

At about eight o'clock, Carlos Mencia had finally grown tired of telling jokes that everyone was ignoring and went home. Larkin pulled a sauerkraut pizza out of the oven that was devoured in under a minute, and then everyone decided to tell ghost stories. Yuki brought a bale of hay in from outside and Nurgle used her eyes to light it up. After the entire silo burned down, they all realised that indoor campfires were a bad idea and they moved the party across the street to Kyo's house.

After all the ghost stories were told and Yasutora Sado, or Chad as Ichigo liked to call him, had soiled his fourth pair of pants, Shigure popped in a movie and took a seat on the sofa beside Orihime. When a figure suddenly crashed through the roof and landed in the middle of the living room, Shigure ran crying for his bedroom, assuming he'd been caught red-handed touching Orihime's large breast.

The figure was wearing a lime green windbreaker and a white motorcycle helmet. He looked around at the motley crew and asked, "Where can I find Nurgle and Larkin?"

The girls stood. "That's us!"

The figure then started rapping.

[insert rap that Teeni needs to find here]

"I'm Curtis1000. I'm here to tell you that the city of Williamsport is in grave danger!"

"Did Shigure raid the girls' locker room at the high school again?" Haru asked. "I tell ya. What a perv."

"No," replied Curtis1000. "Hellblazer and his evil henchmen are plotting to blow the city up. They claim there's nothing fun to do here and there's no reason it should even exist."

"HELLBLAZER?!" Nurgle and Larkin screamed in unison. "I thought we killed him once?!"

The girls and Curtis1000 told the group about how Hellblazer and his henchmen, Midnight and Rav3n, had once tried to rid Williamsport of all the good-looking boys because they were stealing all of the pretty girls and not leaving them any. Nurgle and Larkin took out those bad guys easily and buried them in the city landfill. They'd assumed they were dead and had been under this impression for the last three years.

"So now we have to kill them AGAIN?" moaned Nurgle. "Couldn't they just stay dead? Jeez."

Larkin let out a groan. "This so figures. I was just getting used to being lazy and not having to worry about the bad guys. Ichigo, why don't you take care of this?"

Ichigo jumped up off the sofa and drew his zanpakutou. "Anything for you, baby.'" Orihime instantly slapped him across the face and stormed out of the house. He stared after her then said, "That dumb broad has been trying to get into my pants since the first episode."

"It's okay, Ichigo," said Rukia. "I'll take care of her." With that, she ran out the door and wasn't seen the rest of the night.


End file.
